I could have written this myself, though not as well. Murray Wittke blogs at All The Days of My Life, where this post appeared originally as A Man’s Dreams and Fears.
I am a man. And as a man I live with deep longings and unspoken fears buried within in my heart.
On the one hand I desperately long for significance. I long to be a man of the highest quality of character, the kind of man that moves into and significantly and positively influences the people I love and the world I live in. I long to be the kind of man that has what it takes to handle difficult tasks, to be the husband and father my wife and children need me to be, and to be the best friend anyone could have. At the end of my days I want to be able to look back with satisfaction upon a legacy of love carrying on in the lives of others. Secretly I also long to be recognized, appreciated, and respected for being that kind of a man, by my family, friends, and peers. Down deep I want to be recognized and valued as someone unique and special, to not simply be a nameless, faceless, and insignificant drone among the billions and billions of identical ants in the anthill of life living and dieing without anyone ever noticing they exist.
But! On the other hand, and at the same time, I am plagued with unspoken anxiety and insecurity. I live with a constant and terrible fear that eventually I will be exposed to all the world as a man that is inadequate; weak and powerless, a man of little worth or significance. I live with the fear that despite my best efforts I will be exposed as nothing more than a man of no substance, a man of no particular value or importance. I fear ending up as a man who lived and died without leaving any trace of impact or influence, a man no one noticed. I fear that when it’s all over my life will have had the weightiness or impact of the slight brush of a butterfly wing. I deeply fear that all I really am is an insignificant drone among the billions and billions of other nameless and faceless people no one ever notices, cares for, or misses when they are gone. I admit, as a man I contain a strange brew of both deep longings and terrible fears.
What calms my fears and gives me hope is the knowledge that I am God’s child, dearly loved, highly valued, and delighted in by my Heavenly Father. For reasons I cannot fathom He loves me! He knows everything about me and doesn’t reject me! Despite my strike outs, stumbling, errors, and fumbles; despite my shoes being on the wrong feet and my shirt buttoned up wrong; despite my embarrassing displays of temper tantrums, pouting, sulking; and despite sometimes even running away, He still gathers me up into His arms, holds me tight and cherishes me. Wrapped in the arms of His love all the longings of my heart are satisfied and all my fears are washed away.
I am a man, but I am also His child.
Here’s another example of Murray’s writing; this one is called Soul Surgery.